A Shopping Trip Gone Wrong
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: CRACKFIC! Sirius, Kerr and Vicky take a trip to Muggle London but when handbags are stolen and lies are told, why does KERR end up in jail? For misswhiteblack r&r!


**For misswhiteblack XD  
I'm writing it today, even though it's prom, because it is SO much better than cleaning my room & since I spent about 2 hours last night debating what to write, it's best fresh in my mind.**

**I don't own anything**

**With characters Kerr & Vicky :D**

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Kerr squares up to the guard, locking her in her cell, trying to get out as he fumbles with the keys, but he simply laughs at her and pushes her back into the cell. She sighs and sits down on the bed, anger suddenly the major emotion. She is locked in a Muggle cell with no wand to escape… and it is all _his_ fault.

"I am going to _kill_ you, Sirius Black!" she yells suddenly, punching the wall violently. Then she sits back down calmly and thinks back to the events that cumulated to the point where _she_ is now in jail… for doing _nothing_!

…

"Hey," Kerr says to Sirius, her boyfriend of about fifteen months now, as she greets him at the Leaky Cauldron. For the first time since she has known him, she is dragging him out into the Muggle world, the place where she lived for 11 years without even considering the existence of magic. "Looking forward to going shopping?" she asks him ad he grimaces as he takes her hand.

"About as much as I enjoyed Vicky dying my hair with that indelible ink last year so that it was multicoloured until it grew out," he sighs and, at that _precise_ moment, the girl in question pops up.

"Well, you _know_ it was payback for what you and Kerr did to my books," she glowers at the pair of them, remembering how she returned to the home she shares with the two of them (not at _all_ awkward, especially when the silencing charms fell) to find _every single one_ of her Morganville Vampires books in pieces on the floor. To this day, she remembers seeing the page where poor Sam died lying furled up in the corner of the room, forgotten about… poor Sam.

Both of them blush but Kerr takes the flack, as usual, "You were getting obsessed with them; we had to sort you out for your own good," she says kindly, but Vicky simply smiles.

"Whatever; I mean, now all I do is lock them in a box that you have absolutely no chance of getting into," Vicky says smugly, causing Sirius to bow his head once again.

"Um… we broke into that box like six weeks ago and nicked your diary," he confesses, deciding that since they are off into the Muggle world in about three seconds, she doesn't have the time to hex him and that if she did in the Muggle world, she'd be breeching whatever code it is that the Ministry decided to implement recently… "Oh, is that the time? We need to get shopping, Kerr!" he announces loudly, as Vicky is about to explode, and he drags Kerr by the hand through the door that leads into the very Muggle street.

"I am going to _kill_ you sometime!" Vicky hisses, deciding that yelling she is going to kill someone in the middle of _London_ isn't possibly the brightest of ideas.

"You say that every week and, oh look, I'm still here," Sirius mocks her back but Kerr has had enough.

"Vicky, you stay on this side and if you talk to him again about this issue, you'll owe me fifty galleons _and_ have to not read Morganville for two months," she cautions the girl who glowers once again but nods. "Sirius, you know _exactly_ what punishment you'd get, so comprehende?" she confirms and he nods, mirroring Vicky's facial expression but not knowing it.

"I thought we could go to that big shopping centre over there!" Vicky jumps in instantly as Kerr contemplates where to go, pointing at the big building ahead of them; she has no idea what it is called, but she knows that the walls look _pretty_!

"Yeah, why not… what are we getting again?" Kerr, in all the worry about Vicky and Sirius, has forgotten her shopping list.

"Um… clothes for you that make you look _awesome_, something that makes Sirius look acceptable as he isn't going to get better than that and then whatever you contribute to a poor little girl who is currently not earning since she is in training," Vicky reels off instantly, causing both the adults with her to laugh.

"Vicky, you've got the biggest fortune of us all; I hardly call _that_ poor," Kerr shoots back but smiles at the same time. "Come on, we need to get some pretty clothes!" she continues, walking off so quickly in the direction of the shopping centre that the other two have to run to catch up with her.

She swings her handbag on her shoulder, wondering why on _earth_ she brought it since she gave all her money to Sirius (a girl and shoe shops on an unlimited budget are _not_ to be trusted) and it is pretty much empty besides for… ahh yes, her wand. That was the reason she brought it: so that she could have her wand with her but not have to have it down the side of her trousers because that is _really_ uncomfortable!

As the others are still so behind the fastest walker in the entire world of magic, she decides to stop at the street performers and watch as one of the entirely silver painted people fall flat on their face; at first, she thinks it is part of the performance but when a blood pool begins to form, she throws her handbag to the side (big mistake, love) and goes to help him… just to find it _is_ part of the performance…

… and someone has just nicked her bag.

"Hey!" she yells after the retreating robber, realising that she now has no wand and she will have to go and buy a new one soon. But she doesn't want to: she _loved_ that wand – it was the best wand she had ever had… it was the _only_ wand she had ever had, so _why did someone have to nick it_?

She begins to cry but nobody cares: this is London and being handbag lifted is nothing – she should be thankful that she wasn't stabbed. But just at that time, Vicky and Sirius arrive to find her sobbing her eyes out.

"What's wrong, is it…?" Sirius trails off for some reason and Vicky jumps in instantly, gleeful in thinking she has figured something out that was supposed to be secret.

"YOU'RE PREGNANT?" she yells _very_ loudly in the street, causing a very _not_ pregnant Kerr to blush violently as the people in the nearby area (nearby being pretty much all of London) stop to stare at her.

"Congratulations!" some woman calls and others begin to do the same. Kerr doesn't have the heart to tell them that she is _not_ pregnant, so simply nods and smiles slightly but her eyes tell Vicky that she is _so_ dead later on.

After about fifteen minutes, they manage to get away from the crowd of suddenly welcoming well wishers and Kerr tells Sirius about her wand being nabbed.

"You're going to have to go to Ollivander's, honey, sorry," he says, not entirely helpful. But by this time, they have arrived at the shopping centre and Vicky instantly asks to go in one of the designer shops that has _very_ nice things in it for both her and Kerr… _and there is a men's department_! They can get all their shopping here and then take her to the pub because she is now 18 and able to legally drink in the Muggle world.

They branch off as they enter the shop, Kerr still _very_ pissed off with Vicky for telling the world that she is pregnant: Kerr half expects there to be banners up in the shop telling her that they are _so_ happy that she is pregnant. But there isn't, so she just looks at the LBD's in the shop, whilst Vicky heads to the back for a dress for the big par-tayy, she has to go to later on in the week, whilst Sirius stares out of the window and longs for a broomstick.

"What have you got?" Kerr asks Sirius after about fifteen minutes and he picks up the first thing he sees, this being a three piece suit in a pink colouring. "Oh god, are you trying to tell me something?" she worriedly asks him and he shrugs.

"I don't _think_ so…" he contemplates.

"Are you gay?" Kerr asks him straight. "As whilst pink suits _can_ be nice, they're more aimed at the homosexual part of the population…" she trails off, not wanting to be rude or whatever towards people who like the suit.

Sirius splutters but shakes his head, dumping the suit down. Instantly, Kerr moves across with her dresses over her arm and picks up a nice black tux with a white shirt and stuff like that and hands it to him. "Go and try this on then," she orders, just as Vicky reappears again.

"Well, I think I have enough things to try on," she says nonchalantly, indicating to the three baskets of things behind her. "Bet you, Sirius, that I can have this all tried on and stuff and have photos taken in everything before you even get that suit on," she challenges him, the challengee instantly grinning and telling her that it is on!

The three of them head into the changing rooms and Kerr tries on the first dress, which she instantly disregards because she thinks it is too slutty and that she doesn't _want_ to be a slut, unlike _someone_ she knows. But then the next dress is nice: sweetheart neck and about mid thigh… she decides that she is going to go with this one so walks into Sirius' changing room to see his reaction, just for her to find…

… someone who is trying to wriggle into the trousers without actually undoing the button first.

"Sirius, you have to undo the button first!" she laughs, getting down on her knees to help him… but to some people, it seems a little wrong this arrangement and as Vicky comes past, keen to gloat she has already tried everything on, she is horrified. But she decides to not say anything to them, simply casually mention it to the person on the till as she goes to pay.

Kerr seems to be having a little difficulty with helping Sirius get the trousers on – something she never thought she would say – at the same time as Vicky, as payback for Morganville, says to the cashier, "oh, by the way, there's a prostitute in the changing room with the dude… thought you should know."

So, of course, the cashier woman calls the police, at the same time as Vicky spots someone outside the shop.

"OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, IT'S JAMES LAFFERTY!" she shrieks before launching herself out of the shop to run after him, nobody else having recognised him. so that's Vicky out of the way.

Kerr hears this commotion and decides that it is time to go and try and find her friend, so she tells Sirius she isn't helping anymore, and struggles to get up. Unfortunately, she trips over and knocks Sirius over as well, causing a huge commotion as he cracks the mirror, yelling for help as Kerr lands in a rather unfortunate position.

"What is this?" the burly police officer asks as he sees Kerr in a dress belonging to the shop whilst Sirius is in his underwear.

"Um… she… _she's a prostitute!_" Sirius screeches, trying to clear himself. "I didn't want this but she came onto me!" he continues, causing his girlfriend to look at him in disbelief.

"Is this true, ma'am?" the officer asks her, but the blush on her cheeks (blush of mortification) is mistaken for it being the truth. "We already have had a young woman saying that there is a prostitute in here… therefore, with this man agreeing to this, we are arresting you for solicitation. You do not have to say anything…" he continues, but Kerr has heard enough. She just lets her ears fall silent as handcuffs are placed around her wrists and a scared Sirius hastily redresses, silently promising her that he will get her out of the situation he caused!

She is marched out of the shop, the alarm beeping because she is wearing one of their dresses and hasn't paid for it, and out of the shopping centre, passed all the shoppers who turn to stare at her in shock. Truth be told, the dress _does_ befit a prostitute so it isn't as if there is no evidence on her that she is one…

… for the first time in years, Kerr is in a car and thrown in the back seat roughly, before being driven to the police station. "I'm innocent, I swear!" she continually protests, as the checking woman asks her for her name, date of birth and other menial information.

"We have enough evidence to charge you," the woman says severely. "She looks as if she isn't going to tell us anything so just take her picture and throw her in the cells," she calls to one of the other guards, who instantly comes over to drag the kicking and screaming woman to the mugshot place to have her photo taken.

Evidently not very happy with her life or the situation at the minute, Kerr glowers at the camera, refusing to meet the standard criteria for the photo, which is about as strict as the UK passport office's regulations. But then she is tickled and then made to have her photograph taken before the officer then drags her down to the cell.

…

She sits in the cell and wonders why on _earth_ she came into the Muggle world with Sirius. _Never again_, she promises herself quickly as she huddles herself into the corner of the cold cell. _Never again am I going shopping with _either_ of them._

And that is how the story ends.

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**Whatcha think?**

**Vicky xx**


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